Musings on a cold winter night
by sTaR SNipEr
Summary: In her opinion, Harry Potter was the biggest idiot on the face of the earth. She didn't care that he was angsting, Cedric was her best friend, and she deserved to know what happened to him, and that Cedric's love hadn't been in vain [implied slash]


Stupid Harry Potter. It was the only thing Cho Chang was thinking as she ran away from Madam Puddifoot's, furious that he had refused to talk to her about a subject that was so precious to her. Then again, he'd talked to that stupid nerd about his problems anyway. Stupid Hermione Granger too. What difference did it make whether Harry talked to Hermione or her?

_A lot of difference_, was what her subconscious told her. Cho stopped. Not suddenly, but her running had slowed to a fast paced walked, then a normal walk, before she finally collapsed in a corner, snow falling on her hair. She hadn't noticed how exhausted she'd been until she let out a long held breath. _This wasn't the way it was supposed to happen,_ she mused. Then again, nothing happened the way she wanted it to, anyway.

Cho knew she shouldn't have reacted the way she did. It was childish and silly, and by now, she was sure that all of her fellow Ravenclaws were getting tired of her crying over Cedric. Besides, her friends told her, it wouldn't be practical for such a pretty girl like her to go to waste over a dead boyfriend that she was planning to "break up" with at the end of the year anyway.

What Cho never told her friends though, was that she had never really gone out with Cedric. Oh, how she wished she could have, numerous times she had asked him why they couldn't be a real couple, they had the whole school fooled anyway. He had only smiled and given her a light kiss on the forehead, and told her the same thing he told her everytime she asked,

"_Because I love you, but I can't give you what you want. I'm sorry."_ There were countless sleepless nights she spent, trying to figure out what he'd meant by that. There were also endless nights she'd spent wondering why she was playing this stupid game. She'd tried every trick in the book to get him to tell her, tears, angry outbursts, threats of never talking to him again, but never once did he ever raise his voice against her. Never did he once fall for any of her tricks. It was almost as if he saw through them and _knew_ what she was going through. And each time, he took her into his arms and told it to her again. And everytime, Cho was stuck at square one.

But still, she didn't let anyone know of her plight. They played the happy couple, after every class, Cedric would magically appear at the door and wait for her, a smile on his face. He'd take her books into his arms and they'd walk to her next class. In the halls, they made small talk, and everything he said would make her laugh. They rarely fought in public, and even then, it would just be Cho stuck with another one of her failed attempts to rouse anything but kindness out of Cedric.

Hundreds of guys adored her, she knew. She even knew that she'd caught the famous Harry Potter's attention, and for a while she humored the idea, knowing that dating him would either be her rise, or her downfall.

Cedric had gotten to her first, though. He came to her with a kind smile and a warm embrace one morning, while Cho had been mourning the death of her owl. The raven-haired girl balked at the memory. How silly it seemed to her now, that she had mourned the death of an animal back then, when she had lost something so much more precious in the past six months. But still, if she hadn't been mourning, she never would've met him.

Cho had known who Cedric was, of course. He was the school's heartthrob, kind and popular, and patient beyond anything. He also had a remarkable school record, getting top scores in almost all of his classes and, on top of that, being the Quidditch captain of Hufflepuff. He was the envy of every male and the desire of every female in the school. Every female that is, except for Cho. She was highly competitive and did not like the fact that the Hufflepuff seeker's skills could easily outmatch her own. For a while, she thought of him as a show-off pretty boy, much like many of the male population rather than her female cohorts.

But when he came to her that morning, he wasn't like what she'd thought of him at all. He was nice, kind, and comforting. All of that without even saying a word to her for the longest amount of time. He didn't pity her for being sad, he didn't prey on her weakness like so many others had done. Cho had learned the hard way that you could never trust men with anything, let alone you heart and emotions. But Cedric was different. He only sat down next to her and offered her a shoulder to cry on, and Cho did. She cried until she couldn't anymore, and not once did he complain. He waited until she was ready to talk to him, never once interrupting her, no matter how incoherent she sounded.

It seemed like hours that they sat there together, and she hadn't noticed that the whole time he had held her in his arms. She took a chance and looked into his eyes, searching for some sort of ulterior motive, a look of lust that she had long ago learned to recognize, but there was nothing of that in the boy's eyes. He only smiled and kissed her on the side of her head, and told her that it was okay to cry when you lose something special to you. But, he added, don't let yourself die on the inside because that's not what they'd want. _Live_, he told. _Live because that's the only way their memory won't be in vain._

Cedric was the first boy she treated as a friend. He didn't expect anything from her, so why should she expect anything from him? He made her happy like no one else ever did, and she wasn't willing to risk that by stupidly falling in love with him. She did in the end though. Stupidly and blindly, just like she'd thought she would. But it was worth it, and she knew by now, even he shouldn't be able to resist her charms. Her confidence had sprung up since her second or third year at Hogwarts, so she decided to take a chance and ask him out herself instead of waiting for him.

To say that the Hufflepuff had been shocked would have been the understatement of the year. He'd almost fallen out of his chair. Cho giggled at the memory. She hadn't lied when she said that she and Cedric had come to Madam Puddifoot's the year before. She had elaborately planned it so that he wouldn't be able to say no.

She expected some sort of reaction out of him, other than the fact that he almost fell out of his chair, but that was to be expected. The entire time, neither had really given an ounce of intimation that there were feelings beyond the rather strange friendship they had formed. What she raven-haired girl didn't expect, however, was for the older boy to start laughing right in front of her.

"_Are you serious?"_ he had asked her. _"Is this what this is all about? Why you've been acting so oddly?"_ Had she been acting oddly? Cho didn't think so, but then again, she may have, but she couldn't remember for the life of her. All she remembered was his laughter, and even when she rebuked him for laughing at such an inappropriate time, he only smiled and said,

"_I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt this way. Cho, I love you, but I can't give you want you want. I'm sorry."_ That was the first time he'd said it to her. Cho couldn't remember exactly how she felt at that moment, because there was so much to be felt. Confusion, sadness, and everything in between. Yet one question stood out in her mind: Why? Why hadn't it worked? Why did he say that? And what in the world did it mean?

She spent endless nights trying to figure it out, refusing to talk to him until she did. He only smiled at her attempts, being patient when she yelled that he wasn't being fair, that they were supposed to be friends, so why couldn't he tell her, but the blonde always shook his head when she asked, telling her she wouldn't be able to understand it.

"_But why?"_ she asked. _"And how would you know anyway? Cedric, come on, just tell me!"_ But he never did, and she kept her promise of refusing to talk to him. That is, until he asked her to the Yule Ball. Cho couldn't help by say yes to him, after all, she still had deep rooted feelings for him, and before she knew it, rumors had sprung up all about the school about them, and neither looked to deny them. They played the façade of a happy couple, and for a while, Cho actually believed that they could work out, that Cedric was just being modest and didn't think he was enough for her. But he was. She didn't want anyone but him.

Her popularity had also shot up as a result of being Cedric's "girlfriend". Everyone knew her, every male adored her and every female wanted to be her, and she knew it. Walking down the halls with Cedric made her feel superior, special, and most of all, when he would lean down and hug her before leaving for class, she felt loved more than she'd ever felt in her life.

Reality soon caught up to her however. Throughout the time they spent together, she began to notice a few things about him, like how when she talked to him, his eyes were on her, but his mind seemed to be somewhere else. Sometimes, not even his attention would be on her, he would only be nodding and agreeing whenever she asked his opinion. She began to grow paranoid, thinking that he was growing disinterested in her, or even worse, he had growing feelings for another girl. But how could that be? And why wouldn't he tell her? Why did he lead her on like this knowing how she felt about him?

She confronted him about this many times, and it was one of the rare times they had actually gotten into some sort of quarrel. She accused of him of cheating, although she knew he never would, and what would it matter? They weren't really going out anyway. He yelled back that he'd never be disloyal to her, and she screamed that he didn't even love her, so why did it matter?

Her words struck deep within him she knew. As soon as the words left her mouth, she regretted saying them, even she knew that Cedric loved her, but, like he'd said, it wasn't the way she wanted him to love her. She wanted to apologize, but her words were caught in her throat, and she ran, too afraid to face his reaction.

Cedric chased after her, and being taller and much more athletic that she was, he easily caught her, and refused to let her go. She was hysterical, she knew, and she began sobbing into her chest, asking why the world was so unfair to her, ranging from why her parents expected her to be perfect like her sisters to why her owl had died, a topic they hadn't touched in such a long time.

He waited until she was done, until she had cried her heart out, and told her he loved her. Told her that she meant everything in the world to him, that she was his best friend and if he could give her the world, he would. But he couldn't give her the love she wanted, and finally, he told her it belonged to someone else.

She'd pushed away from him and started yelling again, asking why didn't he ask her out, of all the bloody people? He told her it wasn't that easy, that the person he loved most definitely didn't love him back, and he was fine with it.

"_What do you mean she doesn't love you back?_" Cho was aghast. She was ready to go and find whoever this girl was and punch her face in for not loving Cedric. Who couldn't? Not even the famous and popular Cho Chang could resist the Hufflepuff boy's charms. Cedric smiled and told her that it wasn't necessary, he was fine that the person didn't love him back, and for some reason, Cho noticed that Cedric never referred to the person as a girl, even though she did. It might've been the fact that she caught two of her classmates, both male, snogging the hallway, one of them she had even gone out with in her second year. The thought of Cedric being gay, however, wasn't comprehensible to her, so she soon put it out of her mind and forgave him, once again settling in pretending to be Cedric' girlfriend.

That didn't leave the boy off the hook, though. Cho realized that Cedric wouldn't tell her who his special person was, nor would he ever tell her unless he was on his death bed (and even then, he somehow escaped telling her that). So she settled for figuring it out herself, she was a smart girl, and after all, she had been sorted into Ravenclaw. But no matter how hard she looked, she couldn't find a single girl who Cedric could possibly be interested in.

And then realization hit her like a cold slap to her face. It was after the Yule Ball, and she had seen them interacting, and everything, from the way he moved, to the way he smiled at the other person, told her what she needed to know. It was almost as if she was standing right next to them, instead of twenty feet away at the top of the stairs. But, she didn't let him know that she had figured him out. It wasn't time yet, anyway. For now, she wanted to enjoy the rest of the night with her best friend.

She never did let him know in the end that she had found out. She was going to tell him at the end of the year, after the Tournament ended, to go and chase after the one he really wanted. It took her a while to accept it, but she did. She loved Cedric, and she wanted, in the end, nothing more than for him to be happy. She couldn't make him happy the way he made her happy, and she accepted that. The love he had given to her already was more than enough.

When Harry came back with Cedric's cold body in her arms, she cried naturally. But this time, there was no comforting Cedric to hold her in his arms, there was no one to sit down with her and listen to her talk out her problems. There was only the cold and empty air. For a fleeting moment, she almost resented Harry, because he'd been with him before he died, and it should've been her, it should've, and not because she was his stupid girlfriend as the whole school thought. _She_ was his best friend, not Harry.

And then she remembered that Cedric probably wanted it that way. It was another painful pill she had to swallow, but she did.

Months passed, and she still wasn't over him. But she couldn't let his memory be in vain. She didn't stop living, but she didn't stop crying either. She went on, lived and went out with other guys, even though none of them compared to Cedric, no one could.

But then, she began to notice Harry Potter. She noticed how alike they were, brave, courageous, and loyal to their friends. She knew Harry fancied her, and soon, she began fancying him a little bit as well. The same traits that had attracted her to Cedric, she saw in Harry, and maybe, she thought, there was a chance she could find someone she loved again. Maybe it was a sign from Cedric? She didn't know.

But there was one thing she had to know first. She had to know that Cedric's love wasn't in vain. The subject of Cedric was touchy, she hadn't talked to anyone about it, and in her mind, Harry seemed like the perfect person to talk to. Harry had known Cedric, they had talked numerous times, they had to have at least been good friends.

But Harry didn't want to talk to her about Cedric. It angered her that he didn't, but even more so, it saddened her that even in death, she was only second in his love, maybe not even if one included his parents. It didn't make sense, they were best friends, and he'd gone and left her, just like that, that stupid selfish bastard. And for what? For someone who didn't even love him back? For someone who'd never know how much Cedric cared? Stupid Cedric. Why? She wanted to scream.

"Why did you love Harry?" she whimpered. "Why him Cedric? He didn't even know…" By now, Cho was covered in snow, but she didn't care. The whole time she was with Harry, she couldn't figure it out. Harry was nothing more than a stupid idiot who couldn't get a clue. He didn't even know how to handle a girl properly. Then again, all he thought she was to Cedric was his girlfriend, just like the rest of the school. She didn't know what they'd gone through together, how truly precious the Hufflepuff was to her. He wasn't just a boy, he was Cedric Diggory, her best friend, and Harry didn't even know that Cedric loved him more than her.

"Harry, you idiot," Cho whispered. She was crying again, and maybe her ears were playing tricks on her, but she could've sworn that she heard her name being called. When the raven-haired girl looked up, however, there was no one for at least a half a mile round. She had almost begun to cry again, when she heard it, this time a little more clearly than before.

_Cho…Ch-ooo…_

It was faint, and it could've been the wind, but Cho didn't believe it for a second. She was sure she'd heard Cedric's voice somehow, somewhere. And then she took a good look around her and her lips twitched into a smile. This was the place where they'd first met, when she had run out of the castle and into Hogsmeade just to be alone. She was crying, much like she had been before, and here was where Cedric comforted her. For some reason, she felt warm again, it was almost comforting in a way.

"Cedric, you idiot," she said again. "Leading me here…making me miss you even more." She hugged herself, trying to keep warm and shook the snow out of her hair, Cedric's first words to her repeating clearly in her mind as if he were talking to her right now.

"_Live_. _Live because that's the only way their memory won't be in vain." _

"Okay," she said, as if responded to something the wind said. "But this is only because I love you okay?" and for the first time in many months, she smiled. Not the same false smile she'd been keeping so that people would stop asking her if she was okay. This time, she meant it as she pulled off the ribbon that kept her hair together and tossed it to the wind.

"Take care," she whispered and began heading back to the castle. She never turned back.

* * *

Written 11.24.05 

Edited 11.29.05

Finished 12.11.05

Feedback is appreciated. Thanks.


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